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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
First
Scandinavian
Country
Scandinavians
English
Countries
Forget
Speak
Better
Firsts

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
Doug Stanhope
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
Doug Stanhope
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When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Doug Stanhope
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope