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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Children
Things
Delude
Logic
Sex
Society
Two

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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Doug Stanhope
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
Doug Stanhope
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope