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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Crime
Child
Cannot
Eyewitness
Children
Eyewitnesses
Pornography
Report
Reports
Police

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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug Stanhope