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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Pornography
Report
Reports
Police
Crime
Child
Cannot
Eyewitness
Children
Eyewitnesses

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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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