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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Zero
Tolerance
Type
Religious
Religion

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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
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When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope