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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Zero
Tolerance
Type
Religious
Religion

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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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