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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Tolerance
Type
Religious
Religion
Zero

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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
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