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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Party
Way
Life
Closer
Forty
Dead
Four

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Doug Stanhope
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
Doug Stanhope
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
Doug Stanhope
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
Doug Stanhope
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope