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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Life
Gonna
Entire
Later
Watches
Watch
Film

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Doug Stanhope
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Doug Stanhope
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Doug Stanhope
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope