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What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Lost
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Thing
Havens
Years
Haven
Humor
Wisdom
Learnt
Lasts
Depressed
Last
Gained
Funny
Bullshit
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Doug Stanhope
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Doug Stanhope
I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
Doug Stanhope
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Doug Stanhope
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
Doug Stanhope
