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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Jesus
Dollar
Funny
Sins
Entertainment
Dollars
Mere
Sin
Died
Humor
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
Doug Stanhope
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Doug Stanhope
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope
I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Doug Stanhope
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Doug Stanhope
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
