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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Best
Spaces
Right
Wanna
Going
Opening
Long
Killing
People
Kill
Humor
Space
Parking
Funny
Kinda

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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