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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Going
Opening
Long
Killing
People
Kill
Humor
Space
Parking
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Kinda
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More quotes by Doug Stanhope
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
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When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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