Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Funny
Staircases
Hope
Options
Comes
Kick
Left
Kicks
Best
Feed
Like
Abortion
Humor
Takes
Staircase
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
Doug Stanhope
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Doug Stanhope
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Doug Stanhope
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
