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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Courts
Camps
Court
Places
Learn
World

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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Doug Stanhope