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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Learn
World
Courts
Camps
Court
Places

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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope