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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Car
Fronts
Front
Tahoe
Drug
Meth
Free
Parked
House
Vans
Right
Exes
Cop

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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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