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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Right
Exes
Cop
Car
Fronts
Front
Tahoe
Drug
Meth
Free
Parked
House
Vans

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
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I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope