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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Loved
Went
Around
Used
Arizona
Littles
Weird
Little
Towns
Time
Drive
Road

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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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