Quote

Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Wind
Unnerved
Bigs
Revolting
Makes
Chew
Mother
Chewing
Together
Lunch
Things
Mouth
People
Mouths
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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