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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Bigs
Revolting
Makes
Chew
Mother
Chewing
Together
Lunch
Things
Mouth
People
Mouths
Close
Wind
Unnerved
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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