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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
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Talk
Getting
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Sucks
Running
Louis
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More quotes by Doug Stanhope
AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
Doug Stanhope
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
