Quote

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Doug Stanhope

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Firsts
Beer
First
Fronts
Much
Front
People
Afraid
Wasn
Full
Mics
Open
Pitcher
Funny
Drank

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

Image
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
Image
I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
Image
This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
Image
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
Image
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
Image
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
Image
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope