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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Thing
Think
Wake
Thinking
Close
Gets
Death
Better
Firsts
First

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Doug Stanhope
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
Doug Stanhope
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
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I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Doug Stanhope
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
Doug Stanhope
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You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope