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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Fun
Stand
Takes
Funny

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
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Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
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How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
Doug Stanhope
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug Stanhope
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope