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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Wonder
Take
Think
Thinking
People

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
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You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
Doug Stanhope
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Doug Stanhope
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
Doug Stanhope
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If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Doug Stanhope
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope