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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Never
Drugs
Think
Smoke
Fraudulent
Thinking
Drug
Recreational
People
Talk
Applaud
Feel
User
Feels
Pot
Kind
Users
Always
Marijuana

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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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