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AA makes Scientology look credible.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Scientology
Credible
Makes
Look
Looks

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Doug Stanhope
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Doug Stanhope
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope