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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
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More quotes by Doug Stanhope
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Doug Stanhope
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
Doug Stanhope
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Doug Stanhope
