Quote

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Path
Paul
Names
Drinking
Games
Watches
Someone
Watch
Play
Drink
Take
Game
Every
Says
Time
Name
Sobriety

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope
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You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
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What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Doug Stanhope