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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
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Sobriety
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Paul
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More quotes by Doug Stanhope
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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