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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Every
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Time
Name
Sobriety
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Paul
Names
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Games
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
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