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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Terrifies
Mediocre
Smarter
Intellect
Best
People

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Doug Stanhope
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope