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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
People
Terrifies
Mediocre
Smarter
Intellect
Best

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Doug Stanhope
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
Doug Stanhope
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
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If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope