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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Everything
Going
Extremely
Kill

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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope