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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Life
Like
Porn
Animal
Everyone

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
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At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
Doug Stanhope
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope