Quote

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Ends
Early
Right
Walking
Sucked
Great
Second
Sat
Going
Humor
Worthwhile
Every
Probably
Depression
Make
Movie
Suicide
Life
Half
Blame
Like
Funny
None

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Doug Stanhope
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug Stanhope
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope