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Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno come up with your own example, smart-ass.

Doug Benson

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Doug Benson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: July 2
Comedian
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Television Actor
San Diego
California
Winning
Kick
Face
Kicks
Acting
Ass
Jackman
Faces
Shouldn
Dunno
Come
Smile
Hugh
Trying
Smart
Cruise
People
Leave
Toms
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Oscars

More quotes by Doug Benson

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I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.
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[Deadpool] is definitely squirm-inducing. It's a pretty hard R, violence-wise. But cartoony, also. Maybe fast-forward through to torture scenes.
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The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.
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In terms of my lungs, pot smoking is not like cigarette smoking. It doesn't affect the lungs as quickly, or as much over time. If I stopped pot smoking today, my lungs could heal probably 100 percent in a few years.
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Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.
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I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.
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It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.
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The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.
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[Ryan Reynolds] has had stabs at it like Just Friends. He's really fun in that.
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Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.
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You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.
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I've always enjoyed things that are popular,I mean, obviously, there are plenty of things that are popular that I hate. But when something like that is done right, I just think they nail it. I just think Modern Family is a really clever show.
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Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?
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Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.
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I enjoy a lot of stuff. That's why I pursued a career in show business, because I enjoy watching everything as much or more than making it. I'm just a big TV and movie junkie from when I was a kid. Fortunately, it worked out.
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LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
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That's the interesting part of being a judge to me - I don't even care about these people's fights that they're having with each other, but I have to invest in it enough to figure out. I have to make a decision.
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I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard thing of just moving without much money and just seeing if I could make it work.
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I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.
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You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
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