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You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.
Doug Benson
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Doug Benson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: July 2
Comedian
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Television Actor
San Diego
California
Important
Cop
Trying
Joke
Work
Lots
Always
Jokes
Like
Positive
Percent
Backup
Ones
Cops
Doesn
Fortunately
More quotes by Doug Benson
The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.
Doug Benson
The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.
Doug Benson
[Deadpool] is definitely squirm-inducing. It's a pretty hard R, violence-wise. But cartoony, also. Maybe fast-forward through to torture scenes.
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In terms of my lungs, pot smoking is not like cigarette smoking. It doesn't affect the lungs as quickly, or as much over time. If I stopped pot smoking today, my lungs could heal probably 100 percent in a few years.
Doug Benson
I was immediately into all the great movie comedians - Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder. Everything those guys had anything to do with, from I don't know how young. Super young.
Doug Benson
Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.
Doug Benson
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
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If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
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You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
Doug Benson
I've always enjoyed things that are popular,I mean, obviously, there are plenty of things that are popular that I hate. But when something like that is done right, I just think they nail it. I just think Modern Family is a really clever show.
Doug Benson
There's a lust to get on TV.
Doug Benson
I enjoy a lot of stuff. That's why I pursued a career in show business, because I enjoy watching everything as much or more than making it. I'm just a big TV and movie junkie from when I was a kid. Fortunately, it worked out.
Doug Benson
Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?
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Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.
Doug Benson
That's the interesting part of being a judge to me - I don't even care about these people's fights that they're having with each other, but I have to invest in it enough to figure out. I have to make a decision.
Doug Benson
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
Doug Benson
I'm not physically harming any of these people by being high, and it's just interesting to see that I feel like my values and morals don't change at all when I'm high, but that's a constant. The thing that changes when I'm high is I am happier, and I'm not good with numbers.
Doug Benson
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
Doug Benson
Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.
Doug Benson
I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.
Doug Benson