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I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Dennis Miller
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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
Give
Giving
Think
Clueless
Thinking
Rats
Helpless
Ass
Help
Helping
More quotes by Dennis Miller
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
Dennis Miller
They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.
Dennis Miller
I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.
Dennis Miller
Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
Dennis Miller
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
Dennis Miller
It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.
Dennis Miller
Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?
Dennis Miller
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dennis Miller
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!
Dennis Miller
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.
Dennis Miller
My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.
Dennis Miller
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
Dennis Miller
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, You mean I'm not going to prison?
Dennis Miller
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
Dennis Miller
I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
Dennis Miller
And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?
Dennis Miller
There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.
Dennis Miller
The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done.
Dennis Miller
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.
Dennis Miller
Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
Dennis Miller
