Quote

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
Teacher
Cucumbers
Year
Condom
Five
Recurring
Nothing
Stretch
Trying
Sixty
Years
Ruins
Mood
Foreplay
Image
Cucumber

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Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
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Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
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To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
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I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
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There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.
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Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.
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Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
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I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
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Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
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Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal wall weakens and cannot provide adequate support to the urethra, thus causing leaking. The good news is that women with SUI have many different treatment options available to them.
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I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.
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I'd rather be funny than wise.
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Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.
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By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.
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The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.
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It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.
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The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
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If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
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Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.
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Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.
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