Quote

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
Recurring
Five
Nothing
Stretch
Trying
Sixty
Years
Ruins
Foreplay
Mood
Cucumber
Image
Cucumbers
Teacher
Condom
Year

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I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
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Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
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A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
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Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
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Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.
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Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.
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I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
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Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.
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Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.
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We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
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Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam We're #1 finger.
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Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!
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Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.
Dennis Miller
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What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
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Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
Dennis Miller
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I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
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Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.
Dennis Miller
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And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
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The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.
Dennis Miller
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Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?
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