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If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
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Haircuts
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Gates
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The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.
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Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
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What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?
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Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
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We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.
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So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.
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Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
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A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'
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The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.
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Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.
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If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
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Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
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A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
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And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
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It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
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There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.
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How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
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I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.
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I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.
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I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
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