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Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
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Dennis Michael Miller
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Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi.
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Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
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Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
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To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
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That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.
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There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.
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The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.
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I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
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A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'
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The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.
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Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.
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I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.
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There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.
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American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
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I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.
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Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!
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I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.
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That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?
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The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
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The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.
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