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It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Dennis Miller
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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
Film
Home
Life
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Nuts
Improvement
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More quotes by Dennis Miller
So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.
Dennis Miller
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Dennis Miller
After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
Dennis Miller
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
Dennis Miller
Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.
Dennis Miller
Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?
Dennis Miller
There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.
Dennis Miller
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.
Dennis Miller
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Dennis Miller
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Dennis Miller
Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.
Dennis Miller
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.
Dennis Miller
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
Dennis Miller
I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.
Dennis Miller
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Dennis Miller
I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.
Dennis Miller
If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
Dennis Miller
I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep my nose out of other people's personal business. I guess I fall into conservative when it comes to protecting the United States in a world where a lot of people hate the United States.
Dennis Miller
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
Dennis Miller
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
Dennis Miller
