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The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
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Smacked
Souvenirs
Nancy
Knee
Pipe
Knees
Football
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In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.
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Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
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Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?
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If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
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The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
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I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
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We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.
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The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
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It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
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Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
Dennis Miller
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After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
Dennis Miller
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There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.
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I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Dennis Miller
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Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dennis Miller
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Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.
Dennis Miller
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I'd rather be funny than wise.
Dennis Miller
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Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Dennis Miller
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Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.
Dennis Miller
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How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?
Dennis Miller
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I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
Dennis Miller