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America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Novelist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
America
May
Best
Country
Kind
Valedictorian
Like
Valedictorians
World
Summer
School

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You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
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Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
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That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.
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Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents.
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Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?
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When your mother starts using the word party as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.
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Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.
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I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
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The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
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Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator
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With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.
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Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.
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You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
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The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, You mean I'm not going to prison?
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A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
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By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.
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Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
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I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.
Dennis Miller
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And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
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TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
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