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The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: November 3
Actor
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Film Producer
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Podcaster
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dennis Michael Miller
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There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.
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To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
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Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
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President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
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If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
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America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
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Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.
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That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.
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I'd rather be funny than wise.
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For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.
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When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.
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So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.
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When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.
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I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
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Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal wall weakens and cannot provide adequate support to the urethra, thus causing leaking. The good news is that women with SUI have many different treatment options available to them.
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Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.
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Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.
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I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
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Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
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If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
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