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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Provides
Empathy
Religion
Best
Thing
Believe
World
People

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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin