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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Love
Stand

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
Demetri Martin
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
Demetri Martin
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
Demetri Martin
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Demetri Martin
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Demetri Martin
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin