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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stand
Love

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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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The earth without art is just eh.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
Demetri Martin
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Demetri Martin
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
Demetri Martin