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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Number
Numbers
Millions
Thanks
Million

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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
Demetri Martin
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin