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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stickers
Sticker
Turtles
Wanna
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
Demetri Martin
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
To me, comedy is a game.
Demetri Martin
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin